Though I’m posting this blog entry after
having been hired, I wrote this post during the spring of 2013 in the midst of
my job search questions and frustrations.
I have seldom
been as disoriented as during my extended job search. I’ve done all those
things that one is supposed to do: I tailor each cover letter and resume to
reflect skills and experience relevant to the opening. I network by phone and
in person, meeting people who may be able to offer advice or connect me to
organizations and managers who could hire me. I look broadly and apply widely,
keeping an open mind and trying to be flexible.
Still, nothing.
So discouragement creeps in. Then hopelessness. I can’t catch that vision that
I used to have, that passion to work with people for social change. Instead I
ask,
Was it worth it
to go to graduate school? Why did I choose seminary? Was Chicago the wrong
decision?
I think of all
the things I should have done. I should have gone into a STEM field where there
is a shortage of women instead of into helping professions where the market is
saturated. I should have chosen my internships more strategically, picking
opportunities that could lead to employment rather than opportunities that fit
my interests. I should have done a part-time program so I could work full-time
while I studied. I should have… I should have… I should have…
I struggle to
fight off the negative self-talk as internal voices say that I am not good
enough, I am not kind enough, I am not smart enough. If I were, I would get an
interview. If I were, someone would hire me.
And so, the search
continues.
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